So Nice To HAZMAT You.......

Well, it had to happen sometime.  Someone on the dating site, in an effort to woo me, has played the Ebola card.  This is someone who has emailed me a couple of times, but I remain not interested for a variety of reasons.  One, he lives two hours away; two, I am not attracted to him; and three, in his previous emails, he seemed pretty bitter about the whole dating thing altogether, and told me in no uncertain terms in his last email that I am picky, I ask for too much, I am a lonely, aging spinster, and Superman isn't out there.  I took offense of course.  Don't tell ME Superman isn't out there ready to swoop in.  Anywho, in my last correspondence to him, which was really intended to be my LAST, I told him that I was offended by what he said.  I told him that I have every right to be picky, and for that matter, I am not desperate enough to settle for just any one just for the sake of having a man.  I told him that I am happy, I love my life, and I am just fine staying busy running my own little show until that special person finally shows up, be it today, tomorrow, or five years from now.

This morning, I woke up and checked my emails.  Sure enough, there was a reply.  I hesitated reading the vitriol that was sure to be inside, but unfortunately, in order to block and individual, which is what I was intending to do, you have to open the email.  What I read wasn't quite what I expected.  He was, I guess you could say, contrite and overly apologetic that what he had said offended me.  But it didn't stop there, oh no.  

"Now is no time to be picky....I would do anything to meet you and make you happy.   With this new outbreak going on, we can't waste any more of our precious time.  It's going to kill us all.  Please call me ***-***-**** as soon as you read this.  Let's die in one another's arms.  I'm your new man........"

Well, a happy bright Sunday to you too, Skippy.

Sweet Blessed Jesus.  BLOCK     ))shudder((

I'd Like You To Meet My Friend(s)

I have had about a three week period of very little activity on the dating site, but I guess that is to be expected when I have visually cycled through every single male within the tri-state area that is on the same dating site as I am.  So used to the inactivity am I,  that some days I don't even bother to check to see if I have any new mail or not.  Pffffft. Just out of curiosity, and for want of some cheap entertainment, I logged on this morning to find not one, not two, but THREE emails from THREE MEN I have never heard from before.  Coincidentally, two of the men are from the same town, one-and-a-half hours away,  and one is from somewhere close to Fort Wayne.  All three are attractive, within my age criteria, and not-a-one of the three spoke to me in anything other than complete sentences.  This, along with the fact that it is Friday, gave me a hopeful little boost that perhaps, PERHAPS, I still may meet the man o' my dreams.  

Full of optimism, I quickly jotted off replies to the three before I left the house at 2:17 for work.   A little thing about me on the dating site:  I never make the first contact.  I'm not a shy little thing, nor am I timid.  I just prefer the man to initiate the contact.  That way I KNOW they're interested.  I'm old-fashioned like that.  One thing I have learned, though, is that for every four gentlemen that I reply to, I will only hear from two.  Why that is, I do not know.  It is what it is.  By lunch, I had an email from one of the gentleman.  True to form, I did not hear from the other two.  Just as well.....I was more attracted to this one, anyway.  Tall, dark, mysterious.......laughing eyes......YEAH.  Suffice it to say, I was pretty happy to see a reply from Mr. TD&H.  Oh, my.....he's giving me ♫ com-pli-ments ♪ ! He likes my pictures, and he thinks I'm funny, too! To paraphrase his email:  He knows this is pretty unusual, but he happens to be coming to Fort Wayne this weekend, and he'd love TO MEET ME!!!!!!!

"Tomorrow....tomorrow...what is going on tomorrow?", I wondered to myself.  Well, other than working til 3:30, really......NOTHING!  My daughter will be gone for the night, so, I guess, for a few hours, anyway, that makes me FREE.  I wasted no time replying that I would be happy to meet him tomorrow night.  


Well, it didn't take long to get slammed back into my dating reality once I got It a reply.  "I'm going to be in town visiting my sudo-sister."  **that took me by surprise.  I tried to decide if he was trying to say "pseudo" or "sumo" **  "I'm coming to Fort Wayne to help her to pick out a car and catch up."  


                                                  

"She's a real hoot, just like you.  I think you two would be great friends, so I thought you could join us".  So, in other words----"I'd like to ask you out on a car-lot-hopping-test-driving (you'd have to sit in the backseat, of course) date because I think you and my pseudo-sumo-sister would really dig one another and become fast friends."

I pondered that unusual invite for a few minutes.  Really let it soak in.  In the end, it came down to the fact that on a first date, I don't do well in groups.  My mind wandered back six years to a situation where I was "fixed-up" with the Podiatrist for the Chicago White Sox.  I know, right?  A doctor.  He had a World Series ring and eva' thin.  Money.  Notoriety. Did I say Podiatrist?  If things worked out, he could possibly fix my feet!  And, did I mention he was cute as HAY-ull?   

Unfortunately, I found out after driving from Fort Wayne to the Hancock Tower in Chicago to meet him, he dates with an entourage that included his attorney best friend, his daughter and her husband, and several other friends of his who would be meeting me for the first time, also.  I am outgoing, and I love people, but I hate being odd man out.  Although the friends and family were very kind to me, and I had a swell time eating at the Bard's Room prior to the White Sox game; but the fact remained that I didn't feel like I fit in with the group.  Long story short, the evening capped with me making a brazen, nail-biter of an un-planned escape from the 54th story of the Hancock Tower, so uncomfortable was I. I tell this story to few people, as it illustrates how I've let several apparent "great catches" slip through my hands. 





                                                

And so here I sit, on this drizzly, cold Friday wondering if I did the right thing.  Maybe I should give the whole "third wheel" thing another go. This time, if I'm uncomfortable, at least all I have is a fifteen minute drive home, instead of having to navigate my way out of a downtown Chicago skyscraper's parking garage and driving 160 miles home.  Does this mean I am anti-social?

It's Not You, It's Me. No, Actually, I Lied---It IS You.

"Picky.  You know what?  That's your problem--you're just too damned picky, Sheila".

This is the assessment that I get from well-meaning friends marveling at the fact that over a ten-month quest to find someone on the online dating sites, I've only had six dates.  Six dates with six gentlemen, and only one of these resulted in a second date.  Out of those six gentlemen, I have gotten exactly ONE kiss.  I don't keep up with the statistics of success for those of us who resort to the online dating forum, but in my mind, that's not something to brag about.   



                                                          

Now, back to the picky comment---yes, I suppose that is correct.  I am a bit selective.  But, in my defense, I'm looking for (cue sappy music) My last first date.  I may be picky, but at least I don't play around and waste huge amounts of time trying to settle and make someone fit that mold.  I have a very good idea who I am looking for, and when I see traits that do not belong to this image that I want in a man, I stop and go no further. Although everyone wants to believe we aren't visual people, the truth of the matter is appearances count, and like it or not, appearances, especially in pictures, speak a thousand words.  Especially when those images, in photos and in print, directly contradict what the person is trying to convey about themselves.  There are lots of clues to what leads me to believe someone is not the right person for me.  So, yes, I pay close attention to the pictures someone attaches to their profile.  They go a long way in telling a story.

Who's That Girl?

One of the biggest pitfalls in the online dating world are the players.  They are EVERYWHERE.  They are bold; they are brash; they are really stupid thinking someone they know isn't going to squeal to their girlfriend or wife that they have seen them on a dating site.  Unfortunately, they're in abundance, and you should know better than to believe that they are in search of a "long-term relationship" when certain bright red flags and screaming sirens are telling you otherwise.  Take for instance the fellas that have a cropped group photo among their profile photos.  The problem arises when you clearly see spaghetti straps on a shoulder snuggled right up to our potential suitor.  That, and a cheek nuzzled right up against his.  Is this your ex?   Is this your current significant other?  Is this someone you went out with last week?  It may be a good picture of you, but I don't want to see anything that remotely resembles what could be a past or even a current relationship you may be in.  It makes me think you aren't over something, and that is never good.  At least be like the guy who unabashedly has a selfie of a woman and himself lying prone on a bed of hay making kissy-duck faces into the camera.  I found myself obsessing over the fact that she was really cute and photogenic, and I know right now, she wasn't his sister or his friend. I don't want to start off things feeling inadequate or competitive.  Most despicable was the gentleman who was drop-dead gorgeous, in a tux, with an equally beautiful woman on his arm--the caption read "Calm down!  This is my mother".  Some quick math on this 54-year-old SWM told me  that even if his mother was 16 when she had him, no 70 year old woman looks hot and has THAT perky of boobs.  Move along.

Location, Location, Location

I don't believe I have ever, EVER, felt compelled, no matter how good the lighting may be in there, to take a picture of myself in the bathroom.  Most men on the dating site (and the women, too, from what I have heard), seem to choose the commode as the backdrop of choice for their profile pictures.  To me, nothing screams "No Class!" quite as loudly as a shirtless selfie in a bathroom mirror.  This tells me more than the fact you make lousy decisions in photo-locale, it's telling me you are a slob beyond compare when you neglect to close the shower curtain behind you and the curtain has been torn off of two of the shower curtain hooks, I can see visible soap scum, and worse, I can tell the shower is STILL running.  Not taking a picture in the john is best, of course, but if you must, at least put the damned lid on the toilet down, pick up your flippin' towels, get the can of Barbasol on the counter capped up, make sure I can see a toothbrush, and for the love of God, man, put a shirt on!  As for me, I think I. Gotta. Go.

So, Sweetheart---What Do You DO All Day?

I am an extremely self-sufficient woman. I am not looking for some sugar daddy to finance my every whim and keep me in Dove Chocolate and Calgon Bath Beads for the rest of my life.  That being said, I also have to put it out there that dating an unemployed person, or a person of questionable employment is not a situation that I particularly want to find myself in.  There is a place on the general information area for a person to indicate their profession/employment status.  What I look for are terms like "self-employed", "working at the job of life", or "Hefty Bag Tie-Tester".  Of course, there are some people that truly are self-employed--they have their own business, and they support themselves quite well, but then there are the ones who live in their Mother's basement playing XBox and fantasy football all day.  Fantasy football, I'm sorry, is not steady income.  This can also mean that they make their money via alternative money-making endeavors, such as a self-proclaimed Ebay Kingpin who spent his days and nights haunting auctions and picking through trash to peddle on his Ebay site.  That's great, but a steady job would have kept him from ringing me at 1 in the morning asking, "Hey!  Are you up yet?", then texting me photos of the H.R. Puffenstuff Lunch box, the neat-o watering cans, and the fake Boticelli he scored at an auction.   Keep close tabs on a last name if they slip up and supply it as well.  I used this once to Google the "working at the job of life" guy, and was rewarded with finding out he had been fired from the U.S. Post Office for tampering with packages, then subsequently fired and a lawsuit brought against him when he was also terminated from "Speedy Pizza" for trespassing and harassment. I understand life throws us things and people are unemployed at times through no fault of their own, and if you're okay with a questionable employment status, good for you.  I'm just an advocate of caution.   Be smart.  Be safe. Be nosy as hell.

Name That Dude

I sometimes wonder how much thought goes into what a person chooses for their screen name.  It should convey a little about the person, yet not give away too much personal information.  A simple SteadyEddy, Seeking1234, or even ImURGuy are pretty innocuous--nothing about them would skeeve me away from looking at someone's profile.  And that's the point, right?  To get someone interested enough, past the picture, to find out more about you.   I think so, anyway, which is why when I see screen names that make me squirmily uncomfortable, and, no matter how nice the pictures are, go to the next profile.  Examples that come to mind include "ChiefHuntingTush", or "MyCellinHell" (to Mr. InHell's credit, I will say that he DID come clean about his prison stint), "NytVsnGoggles", and of course my all time favorite, "LetsGetNekkid".   No, No, Over my dead body, and In your dreams.  

Don't Bring Me Down

"What are you supposed to be?"

"Why, I'm a little black rain cloud, of course!"

Well, garsh.....we all have bad days, don't we? However, when you're attempting to attract a potential mate, you don't want to showcase yourself as someone who sits in a dark room brooding over your last failed relationship, or as someone who has been knocked down so many times he needs help from you to get up.  Time and time again, I run across profiles of men who, instead of trying to sell themselves, and play up their best traits, choose to use the online dating profile as a forum to bash their former mate, going so far as telling you how much she took,  informing you that she managed to turn the kids away from him, how far he is behind in his child support, or going into great detail to clue you in about how long it's been since "I been with a woman". Their tag line is a good indicator of the story that is sure to follow:  "She Got Everything, At Least She Didn't Get My Soul", or "I Need A Good Woman--Are U Her?".  If you get past the screen name and tag line, you are sure to find a detailed account of the state of their relationship status which pairs nicely with an unsmiling, unshaven face, shirtless (usually), basking in the ambient glow of their computer screen with an unmade bed in the background, strewn with cans of beer and Cheeto's bags.  Some women are looking for a project, I just happen to not be one of those.  The few of these that I have read have depressed me enough to prompt me to sit under a blanket watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman reruns in my pajamas, eating pickles and drinking cheap wine.  Please, don't harsh my mellow, my good fellow.  

Mama Done Take Your Kodachrome Away?

Possibly worse than the bathroom/shirtless selfie, are the "no picture" guys.  A gray silhouette is all you will see of these mystery men.  That leaves much to the imagination.  In this day and age of facebook and cell phone cameras, there's really no reason why someone cannot provide a picture.  After all, we are a visual people, and let's be honest--would you want to know what someone you meet somewhere looks like? Of course you would.  Don't lie.  That's not being superficial, that's being human.  From time to time, someone with no picture will contact me.  When I reply, I simply tell them hello, thank them for their email, then ask why they don't have a picture.  I will tell you that quite a few get offended.  The ones that don't usually begrudgingly provide one.  To my cell phone.  It's more often than not a shirtless, unsmiling, bathroom selfie.  Oh, the irony.

Eeeny, Meeny, Miney, No

There's safety in numbers, but three is a crowd.  I am too old and have so little patience for guessing games.  I suppose that is why I hate the guys that provide a "group photo".  For some reason, the group profile picture usually has three men in it, and nothing to clue you in on which one is the one you are trying to find out more about.  Is it the hunk in the middle?  Is it the guy with the rifle?  Is it the Wally Cox lookalike?  It's anyone's guess, but I'm not taking any chances.  Game over.

So, yes, I'm picky.   But do you know what?   I'm big enough understand that I am not everyone's cup of tea, either.  Although most people seem to get a chuckle out of it, and compliment me on my dating profile,(and even sometimes on my pictures), there are a few that feel just the opposite.  Last month, I got an email from someone on the site who informed me the he had to read my profile twice, just so he could fully digest it before he threw up.  He then went on to attack my personal appearance---".....and you're really not very attractive at all, and why don't you do yourself a favor and lose your GLASSES?"

Lose my GLASSES?  Oh, well......I guess he has his standards, too.