Lookin' For Love in All The Wrong Places

And so she found herself alone in this great big world.  Funny, she didn't feel lonely...yet, something was missing.  She didn't fancy going out in the usual places to chance upon someone, as time did not permit her to very often.  So, against her better judgement, and despite not having much luck with it ever before, she set her cap to the forum of online dating.  In an effort to only draw those to her with the qualities she admired, whilst deterring those with afflictions she did not, she drafted her profile:

About Sheila

Here we go again.  Time and time again I jump into the pond, then back out, only to decide I'm going to give it just one more shot. 
 I don't care what dating advice anyone wants to throw me; it isn't working. 
 "Look for someone at the grocery store!  There's LOTS of single men there.  Just ram your cart into one that doesn't have a ring on, then wait for the fireworks!"  Yes, and the charge of battery that surely will follow.

"Church! You'll meet a nice guy at church.  Find one sitting all by himself, and just sit down next to him!"  That worked out well and fine until the wife returned to the seat after retrieving their six children from Sunday School.  I found nine to be a bonafide crowd, and so I halted my pursuit.

So....online.  Kind of a dicey, chance-y, scary thing, isn't it?  Anyone can be ANYBODY on here.  I found you cannot trust pictures, or profiles sometimes, yet I still return arguing that I"M on here; MY pictures depict me to a 'T',  I'M honest, therefore, there's bound to be someone else on here in the same boat in this big pond.  I am making it my mission to find him.

So, without further adieu, here is a little about me and what I am, and am not looking for:

I am a fifty-one-year-old mother of five children.  (Five that I know of, anyway).  Three of these children are still at home with me.  I work. I work quite a bit, actually, and take a great deal of pride in making sure my children have all of what they need, and some of what they want.  I am also taking classes to obtain my degree in Management.  My lofty goal is to be able to walk to the stage to get my diploma, rather than being wheeled.  Let's see if that works out for me :/  My children are my world, therefore, personal experience has taught me that trying to make it work with someone who has never had children and is uncomfortable around them will not work out.  Sorry, that's just the way it is. While my children don't need a father, they should feel comfortable around who I'm with, and hopefully, look up to him.
Here is what I am looking for:  
I want a man who is stronger than me.  I want someone who will say to me, even though I am fiercely independent and strong, "Relax and don't worry. I've got this".  I want a man who is capable, who is gregarious, outspoken, gentle and loving.  A killer sense of humor is kind of necessary, too, as laughter is as important to me as breathing.  I want a decent looking man who takes care of himself and doesn't exhibit jackass behavior.  He should know how to pick a good bottle of wine, and not just be able to lob a case of Bud into the cart at CVS.   It would be nice to find a man who can cook. Not because I can't, but because I love to and want to share that with someone.   A man who knows how to sew a button on and won't look at me with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look when something goes wrong expecting me to fix it.  Most of all, I want a man that I catch looking at me with a look that can only be described as love, admiration, and respect.

Hang on.  That was the easy part.  What I DON'T want will take a bit longer:
I don't want a man who ever again says to me, "You know, it bothers me that if there were a fire, you'd save your kids before me...".  You know, it bothers ME that I wanted a man that would tell me "I'd die trying to save you and the kids" :/ I don't want a man who is uncomfortable around people.  Shy is one thing, awkward is another. I don't want a man who throws a full-on hissy fit if his candy gets thrown away due to rules regarding what you can and cannot carry in to Lucas Oil Stadium.  If you can't handle your just-purchased-with-your-hard-earned-money-Sour Patch Kids and Gummi Worms hitting the trash so we can gain admittance to the stadium, I must know this now to avoid an embarrassing repeat performance, and yes, this really did happen.  Although I did say that I would like a man who looks decent and takes care of himself, I must draw the line at ever again being with a man that I have to sit around waiting on in order for HIM to put HIS make-up on and painstakingly choose his wardrobe. Man up, Princess, and let's get going, already.  No make-up, please, and I'll not mention that one again.  No cursing in public or rude behavior--especially not in front of my children, but never, please.  I cannot tolerate ridiculous rudeness.  No heavy drinking.  If you have to drink daily, and your recycling bin is filled with bottles and empty cartons every week, please pass me by.  I love a couple of glasses of wine a couple times a week, but I will not tolerate heavy drinking.  Also, I cannot tolerate smoking.  Any.  None. Zilch.  Sorry, call me picky, but this is what I insist on.  I'm fifty-one; I'm not settling.  

Here are some other things to remember about what I am looking for and not looking for.  Please don't take this wrong, but spelling and grammar are kind of important to me.  If your profile is rife with misspellings and unintelligible stories, anecdotes, or ramblings, we won't get along, and this will never work out.  Sorry.  I am not a snob, so please don't tell me that I am.  I just am a firm believer that if you pay attention to those details, you are a person who pays attention and cares---it's part of the big picture, believe it or not.  If you display selfies of you and your buff out-of-the-shower bod from the waist up, I won't respond.  If you have a profile picture depicting yourself standing at attention sucking it in in a two-sizes-too-small Speedo, in front of a mattress on the ground, with a dresser visible in the background bedecked with children's dolls and toys, not only will I not respond, I'm toying with alerting the authorities.  If you choose to send me an email, please do not address me as "Babe", or begin the conversation with "Wass up?"  The moment that I sense that you are some out-of-control gutter-crawling horn-dog, it's over, too.  Here's one that some women wonder why the heck this bothers me, but I must address it:  Youngsters. I'm not talking about men that have kids, no, no, NO.  I'm talking about the young fellas 18 to 30 that like the older ladies.  Although I know a lot of women that are flattered by attention by the young guys, I find myself annoyed.  I can tell when there's a snow day, or someone got grounded from their XBOX because these young men decide to email me. With all due respect, please go clean your room, do your homework, and take out the garbage for your Mom--leave this "Cougar" alone.   Picky?  Hell. Yes.  Trust me, I've earned the right to be.


There.....that ought to do it.